Let me ask you a question. Do you have a list of actions you feel like you "should do" when it comes to coping techniques in your life?
I should take a walk.
I should journal.
I should eat a healthy snack.
These might all be great approaches, but when you have a stressful day or life doesn't go as planned, are those what you turn to? Maybe...or...maybe not.
I have a client who has a few major stressors in her life right now. I’m talking about difficult people, work situations, and a health scare for a close family member.
During our coaching sessions we have talked a lot about habits and strategies to help her reach her health goals. AND, she has some old habits that she used for years to help her cope in tough times. Hello, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Diet Soda.
Recently, after a particularly trying afternoon, she stopped by not one but two places on her way home to pick up those items mentioned above. Inhaled them - because then she didn’t have them at home - and then went home.
Can you relate?
She brought this situation to me in our weekly call because she was frustrated with herself. After all the work she has done to create healthy habits and tools, when the s*** hit the fan so to speak, it was those old habits that came charging back and they were powerful.
As we started talking about it, she said,
“I felt like there were all these things I should do - go for a walk, have a healthy snack, call a close friend. But at the time I just couldn’t go there. I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted I went back to the old standards. I know these coping mechanisms aren’t helping me reach my health goals...honestly though...I didn’t feel like I had another option.”
Instead of talking about more things she “should be doing” to help her cope in the moment we talked about her thought process, her feelings, and how she got to that place of utter exhaustion.
We talked through what she really wanted and needed at that specific moment. And we asked, "what would the highest version of myself desire right then?"
What came up was a totally different list:
a nap
to sit a read my favorite book
to have a glass of wine
to go to my favorite store and ‘window shop’
"Actually, what I really wanted," she said, "was something that felt totally selfish and indulgent just for me."
What I heard is that she really needed to refill her cup. She needed self-care, and self-love - not a list of things she 'should-do' to cope nagging at her.
Sometimes old stories and habits are in stark contrast to what the best version of us needs now. In my work with clients, we dig into all the layers of habits, stories, and actions we feel like we "should-do." We uncover ways that each of these elements are closely tied to how we choose to nourish ourselves (or not).
Once we bring all of this to the surface then we can start to create more alignment between who a client wants to be and how to get there. The next step is coming up with a personalized approach tailored to refilling their cup; not a list of should-do’s that they read about in a ‘how-to-be-healthy’ article.
Action step: You can do this too. The next time you need a coping mechanism and feel old habits and thought patterns taking over I encourage you to stop and pause. Then take a few deep breaths and say to yourself; what does the best version of me need right now?” Make a list of those things. Those are the things that will refill your cup, not the "should do’s".
And, if you’re looking for support to dig deeper into what’s keeping you stuck in old habits then let's talk! I’m here to help you become the healthiest version of you.
Remember, healthy can be simple. Taking small actions today will lead to big results in the future.